Table for One Please: 5 Reasons Why You Do Not Have a Beau (2 of 5)

Hopefully something stuck from Reason #1… but just in case it didn’t, let’s recap:

  1. You suck.
  2. Stop belching, you’re not making a point or a feminist stance; you’re just being rude.
  3. Stop claiming to be a free spirit when it’s a facade or genuinely detrimental to fostering a healthy relationship with a member of the male species.
  4. You can’t build a strong relationship with the wrong tools.

Now let’s move onto Reason #2 of “5 Reasons Why You Do Not Have a Beau“.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am no relationship guru. Despite being with my girlfriend for 8 years I still, up to this day, have no idea what she is saying. This list is merely compiled from observations of and experience with the opposite sex. You can pass this off as another male blogger expelling his inadequate and unneccessary opinion or you can actually take heed! And watch your love life flourish. Maybe.

Reason #2: You’re Dumb.

Being a recent college graduate, I find myself turning into a complete educational snob. Correcting people’s grammar. Correcting people’s spelling. Finding better words for them to use in their sentences; and of course, this is all to the best of my ability. Now that I’ve aptly described myself as a spelling/grammar nazi who attempts to enforce his will on friends and strangers, you can only imagine the expectations that I have for my spouse.

The theme of Reason #2 is Ed-ju-ma-cation (Education).

Degenerate Diction Gets You No Dick.

This is for the around the way girl who isn’t necessarily dumb but can’t help but sound like she is. Despite me coming off as somewhat strict, I find that most men do consciously, and sub-consciously, share my opinion. Believe it or not, a man’s impression of a woman is significantly influence by she way she talks. The conscious lot has voiced their dismay:

“Shorty sounds likes she barely made it out of high school.”

The sub-conscious lot have been less vocal but have expressed their dissatisfaction through action. They tend to treat the seemingly derelict female with less respect and frequently pass them off as “ghetto”, “hood” or “unclassy”. Unless, in spite of her verbal uncouthness, she commands your respect through other channels.

Men don’t want you to speak Olde English. We all read Shakespeare in high school and we all know it’s obscene intricate gibberish. Some men just want a certain amount of linguistic discipline.

This also goes for the girl who replaces her S’s with Z’s and is too lazy to spell Y-O-U. It gets to a point where some women go out of their way to spell words wrong; as if they think it’s cute or appealing. I can forgive appropriate shorthand spelling but even too much shorthand will dull your spelling/grammar abilities.

Now if your sight is set on the brother that is shooting dice on the corner and pitching a massive amount rock cocaine, your diction has little to do with the length or quality of your relationship. But if you are aiming for the square brother with the degree and a knack for putting commas in the right places, expect to be able to refrain from putting the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable.

Little Miss IDK.

This is for the girl who is just getting by on her looks and female genitalia. I’m no Stephen Hawking or Ken Jennings but if I mention the Cuban Missile Crisis, Lord of the Flies, the Pythagorean Theorem or Booker T. Washington and the girl twirls her hair and  says “Huh?”, I seriously doubt we’ll be able to have a rousing conversation about anything other than sex and Judd Apatow movies. Politics, history, human suffering or any other subject of substance goes out of the window.

Most men are not looking for a rousing debate about the Mind Body Problem while we watch MSNBC for breakfast. We just want to cultivate a relationship where we exchange knowledge that enriches us both academically and spiritually.

I want a woman to teach me something new at least 3 days out of the week. I want a woman to share my thirst for knowledge and I want her to seek to quench it with every and any opportunity she sees fit.

Plus, constant shoulder shrugging gives me the impression that you have little idea of how to form an educated opinion. If questions constantly bounce off of you then it comes to a point when the relationship is reduced to a paltry existence of sex and inside jokes.

College Schmollege?

This is for the girl who thinks a high school degree is good enough. This may sound bourgeoisie but a girl with no college degree is not the girl for me. Now depending on your “target audience”, whether or not you possess a college degree should not make any difference.

You can also get by if you’re a self taught student in the school of life, meaning you still have a passion for attaining knowledge despite not pursuing further education after high school. In fact, a college degree doesn’t always enrich a person. Speech of Arrest Development put it best in their song Mr. Wendel:

“And to think blacks spend all that money on big colleges,
still most of y’all come out confused.”

But don’t get too comfortable you peabrained goof. There are certain tidbits of academia that one will have no chance of being exposed to unless they’ve attended college. If you want the fictional brother in those urban novels that has six degrees under his belt, knows eight different languages, owns a perfect sized penis, work as a professor at NYU, plays chess professionally and still managed to do 2-5 years on Riker’s Island; you must have a degree!

Another thing, do not half-step with an Associates in Liberal Arts. It’s tacky and it shows that your comfortable with a pretentious minimal effort.