Table for One Please: 5 Reasons Why You Do Not Have a Beau. (1 of 5)

Being the proud owner of a plethora of female friends (I mean that in the most respectful way possible) and an avid observer of the female psyche, I couldn’t help but notice that a great percentage of women are single or are in-between relationships. So, after much super scientific observation and X-rated movie watching, I’ve come up with a series of “5 Reasons Why You Do Not Have a Beau“. You’re welcome.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am no relationship guru. Despite being with my girlfriend for 8 years I still have no idea what she is saying. This list is merely compiled from observations of and experiences with the opposite sex. You can dismiss this as another male blogger expelling his inadequate and unneccessary opinion or you can actually take heed!; and watch your love life flourish. Maybe.

Reason #1: You Suck.

I present this reason first and foremost because a lot of women out there are afflicted with the false belief that they are a good catch. The truth is, you’re about a good a catch as influenza.

Unless you were made in a lab or born in Switzerland, no one is perfect. But some women have an overall personage deficiency. They’re rude. They’re classless. They’re clueless.

The theme of Reason #1 is Discovering Flaws.

Burping Loud Enough to Shatter Gender Roles…

This is for the “guy’s girl” who could give one ounce of feces about being a “lady”. Okay I get it, the 1950’s are long gone. The obsessive guidelines on how to be “prim and proper” have been burned along with millions of bras. Women no longer say “sanitary napkins”, they say “pads”. They no longer sip Bloody Marys and Mimosas while the hubby is off at work, they’re now shooting Soco Lime shots and pounding back mixed drinks after their own hard day of work.

(I mention these things in the most non-chauvinistic way possible. I completely respect and support a woman’s right to have a career.*Shifting Eyes Nervously*)

But some of today’s “modern women” have taken women’s lib a step further by attempting to match or out match the lack of couth that men and biker gangs have been displaying for decades. These attempts include belching, passing gas and overall poor etiquette.

It would be fine if we were all sitting around in a college dorm watching Adult Swim and gorging on chinese food and Little Debbie cakes; in fact, we can have a contest. It’s also fine when we’ve been together for about a year because couples do eventually need to reach a certain level of comfort but if neither of the two are the case, do me a favor and suppress your mouth farts.

I’m not a prude or anything but a woman who does such a thing, especially with the intention to shock or prove a faux-feminist point, either has little clue of what men want out of a woman or is oblivious to the fact that her expectations do not match her sacrifices; she also has no idea of what it truly is to make a “post feminist movement” statement.

So what is a “true” post women’s lib statement? Instead of supporting negative aspects of equality like belching and polygamy, try supporting positive ones that truly accelerate the progression of gender equality. I am fully aware that women’s struggle for an even playing field is still in motion but the days of vindictive mimicking are over.

Being All Over the Place and Attempting to Pass It Off as Eclectic, Eccentric or Free-Spirited…

This one is especially for the free-spirited Village dwelling bohemian. Similar to women, men also like a certain amount of stability in a mate; and I’m not referring to financial stability because we all know bohemian means “casually broke”. I’m talking social and conversational stability. Some free-spirited women tend to be so unanchored and flighty that they just come off as rude.

You often catch them not paying attention to what you’re saying or following the conversation so poorly that you both lose interest.

They are completely unaware of the male ego and have no desire to adhere to it; which could be a good thing. Such a disregard for egos can be disarming and allow a man to let down his testosterone fueled guard, giving way to honesty and genuine adoration of his female counterpart… as long as she doesn’t have her own ego. If she does, her disregard for egos appears as more of a weapon and less of an olive branch.

To simplify, men don’t want to feel like there talking to a wall of personality. Especially a false one that just serves as a passive aggressive defense mechanism. It quickly becomes transparent that they are passing themselves off as kind post modern wildflowers when they are really just reformed or undercover bitches.

No Tickee, No Laundry.

This is for the melodramatic girl that often sabotages her own relationships and complains about her inability to find a mate. Remember when I said: “You suck.”? Well, let us elaborate on that. A relationship/connection is a two-party function and there are times when one party fails, in one way or another, to generate enough “effort” on their part to make that relationship/connection work.

Not say that women don’t make any effort whatsoever because we all know that most of them put their all into a relationship. But it’s the brand of effort that counts, your way may never work so why not try attempting others. If you limit yourself to using just a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

To explain further, putting your all into a relationship isn’t always the answer because your all may not necessarily get you the results that you desire. In many cases, frequently single women lack the positive catalytic qualities to make a relationship take flight. A woman can foster these qualities only if she recognizes the opportunity and need to do so.

To explain even further, you can desire a healthy relationship and be completely unable to sustain one. You may just be a black hole from which no light or relationship can return.